Moving Further Along My Path
July 12th, 2009
When I was a very young girl, very young, my father yelled a lot. He never really wanted children, he finally sucumbed to my mothers pressure and I was born. I don’t have a lot of memories before I was 4 but I do know that he didn’t want to hear from me much. I believe he loved me in his way. But he really didn’t want me to exist. He wanted me to shut up and go away and let him be.
I’ve worked my way back through my life, changing my ideas and decisions along the way. For a while I worked with my mind on a logical level. Discovering my own hidden thoughts that create powerlessness and changing my mind in my own favor, thus empowering myself. But then something happened and I couldn’t deal with my ideas of myself with my mind any more and I knew it was time to let go of that way.
Since then I’ve been freeing myself of emotionally charged nonlogical beleifs about myself. Those I picked up, mostly from my parents, before the age of 9 or 10. While I was in the time of associative thinking. The stategy for detatching myself from these erroneous self views is different. Now all I can do is feel and wait. I usually have some idea of what is going on, but not really a way to help myself other than allowing the One I’ve come to trust to see me through.
The situation I describe above is one of those prelogic self views. I can feel it. I feel fear that I will go too far, express too much, or say the wrong thing. I am getting through this. I know that I am. And I also know that when I do I will feel the freedom of a thousand hearts opening. I will have found the me that I was before I was supressed by my very loud father. I very much want to regain this pure and loving view of myself. I want her to feel free to express herself as she chooses. I want her to let go of controlling herself so she feels safe and just be. And I want to give up the voice of my Dad that still lingers that scares me into not opening all the way.
I have come to the place on my journey where even when I am feeling the pain of retrieving a lost part of myself I am still able to feel and know that I am loved and safe. And I’ll say it again, I know that when I get through this storm and regain that innocent little girl part of me all of the heavens will open to me and I will be feel completely back in the flow of grace and love that defys description. I am loved, I know that, not with my head, but with every cell of my being. I am loved and I can only imagine how things will look from the perspective of this free little girl part of me. Each movement back, or inward leaves me at a new vantage point. I can see just who we are more and more and I can know my connection to my Source, the One, the All That Is.
There is true beauty in my life. I am loved and I want to share what I’ve learned. Let me know if I can be of service to you in some way as you travel your personal path of enlightenment.
Filed under: The Path of Love, Waking Up, alchemy
July 12th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Hello Anne-
I am deeply touched by your sharing of your memories and how your father’s loud voice silenced you – and now as you redefine your view of yourself – and have a voice – you are becoming whole and free. It is a wondrous journey upon which I have embarked. The little girl in me is you and the little girl in you is me. This is a multi-faceted exploration and is life-long in it’s purpose to free and inspire and give rise to voice and strength. I have come to know that the kid in me whose name is ‘Annie’ is one of my greatest sources of strength, And to think she was silent and afraid and so wounded – and now she is free – and loud – and playful – and in the light – she is light. The little girl in you is coming in to the light too, speaking her mind and being heard. I hear her throuugh you and I am honored.
Love to you and your little girl
Gail/Annie
Read Gail’s last blog post at http://knowyourits.blogspot.com
July 13th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Hi Gail, “The little girl in me is you and the little girl in you is me.” I love this statement. I loved all your words, but this one just grabbed my heart. It is so true! We are all one. We might as well just give up and love each other and our lives and everything, just as it is.
Much love to you my dear friend. xoxo